Washing Your Cat

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed, that
somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Contrary to this popular belief,
cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or
without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of
odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the
same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat
anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving
the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not
the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of
concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability
to wear protective garments.

1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested,
along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower
curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before
hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need
to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you
can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up,
nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No
need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely
notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is essential. In
one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the
shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While
the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt
whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the
wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and
add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off
and he's madder than a wet hornet.

7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he
catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another
squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No
need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the glass enclosure into the
tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will
realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next
attempt on the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest part. By this
stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently
affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in
full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and
hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is
most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the
towel around him.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure.
Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly.
Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is
the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours, it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will
be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while
plotting revenge.